Several years ago, I was working with a national nonprofit on a campaign that required a heavy stretch of out-of-state travel. At the time, Brian and I were working in business together, and our daughter was quite young. After coming up empty on childcare during one cross-country business trip, we decided that we’d bring her along, and split up responsibilities to attend client meetings and events, while the other stayed in the hotel with our daughter. And if we needed to be somewhere together, we’d pack up some snacks and toys, and set her up to play quietly in the corner.

We shared our plan with the client who seemed receptive and understanding. But days later, once we arrived and were on site, I remember that same client contact pulling me aside to share his views on how inappropriate it was that I’d even think to bring our child along. I was both embarrassed and angry, feeling that I had damaged this client’s trust in us and that somehow my desire to be both a parent and a professional were destined to be at odds.

That was, until I had a chat with our dear friend Don who reminded us what we knew all along: that family comes first—no apology needed. 

Soon after, we parted ways with that client, but I’ve held onto that experience and often reflect on how far we’ve come, especially on days when my younger daughter will pop into the background of my Zoom meeting so I can fix her ponytail, or when she’ll call me on the walkie talkies that we share to tell me she’s set out on her walk home from school. It’s also been a reminder that family can mean something different to everyone. Having the flexibility and agency to support, manage, and care for our loved ones, however we define that, should be a given, not a benefit.

That sentiment is one I’ve felt more and more in recent months, from my conversations on the Mission Forward podcast with Amira El-Gawly and May Medallada Robinson to the daily stream of reports and news coverage detailing the benefits of a more empathetic workplace. What I’m finding in these conversations is that while most agree that bringing a little more love and grace into the workplace is beneficial, figuring out how to do it without crossing a line remains a question. There’s equal parts hunger to be in deeper relationship with one another, and anxiety over how to do that.

Perhaps the tug I’ve described here is evolution at its best.  Organizations are exploring new and creative ways for how to best support employees, how to infuse empathy in daily work practices, and how to model inclusion and belonging in the workplace. And that’s all good.

But here’s what can’t be lost in those discussions: It’s one thing to say what you or your organization stands for and another to have someone feel it in practice. What I experienced several years ago was the sharp contrast between my client’s words and his actions. The words were empty and inauthentic, and the lasting effect, while powerful, wasn’t positive.  But it doesn’t need to be.

Bottom line: Our words and our actions matter. If you’re serious about what you say, then make sure your actions reflect it. Otherwise, you may be the one apologizing.

This is week 38 of the Finding The Words column, a series published every Wednesday that delivers a dose of communication insights direct to your inbox. If you like what you read, we hope you’ll subscribe to ensure you receive this each week.