Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone’s very bad day? I suspect yes, and probably more than once. Have you ever taken your bad day out on someone else?  Again, just a hunch, but I feel a yes coming on.

We’ve all had bad days, and we’ve all felt the effect of a bad day on others: loved ones, colleagues, friends, and complete strangers. Anger is one of the most basic human emotions, and it’s bound to show itself from time to time—including when we least expect it.

But here’s the thing: the sting of a bad day can stick with us long after the day has passed. Being on the receiving end of someone’s anger or frustration can affect our long-term attitudes and feelings about the people—and by extension, the organizations involved. Bad days can lead to damaged or broken relationships, and they can limit our ability to advance the important work that we set out to do.

Growing up, my mom would always say, “You never know what someone may be going through, so always be kind.”  Mark Twain had an equally important mantra: “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”  Practicing kindness and calm—and giving grace and space— in the face of frustration can be the greatest counter-balance to diffuse a heated moment.  But that’s hardly an easy practice when you’re in the moment.

So, what do you in those moments when you feel you can’t communicate with kindness? Here are a few tips I’ve found useful to manage through difficult days:

1. Make Space. When you feel so overwhelmed that all you have to share are negative thoughts and feelings, it’s time for a reset. You’ve got no chance at communicating effectively if you’re feeling overwhelmed, pressured, or angry. So, put a pause on the meeting.  Reschedule what you can. Remove yourself from the environment, if just for a brief technology break or bit of air. Take a few deep breaths, and then begin again. Trust me, everyone will benefit.
2. Don’t Throw it All Away. Sometimes, I want to throw my hands up and just walk away in angry moments. But the only person who loses in those moments is me.  So, I’ve learned to seek perspective in difficult moments. Rather than “everything’s ruined” or “I’m a failure,” try a mindset change: “yes, this set back is hugely annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.”  Consider what you can learn and pull forward from the experience.
3. Control What You Can—Including Your Own Emotions. Fighting fire with fire is a losing strategy. If you find yourself in a tough conversation, take a long deep breath and remember that everyone has different ways of communicating their points of view. We can respect one another’s feelings and positions without agreeing with them.  And in those most difficult of moments, remember: there may be something deeper at play that you can’t quite see on the surface. So employ empathy, and reserve. You can control what you say, and how you say it.
4. Plan Ahead. Controlling anger and emotions can be supported when you plan for the tough conversations before going into them. Having worked in client service for 20+ years, I’ve had my fair share of conversations that have left me on edge, and it’s a terrible feeling. To counteract it, prepare notes in advance and talk through them with a trusted colleague. By planning what you need to say in a calm and assertive fashion, and practicing the message with someone (not in your own head), you’re far more likely to get the outcome you intend, rather than get swept up in the anger or emotion of the situation.
5. Draft emails are your friend. I’ve learned the hard way that shooting off an email response when I’m feeling frustrated or angry is a recipe for disaster. So, I now practice writing my responses, and then I wait… maybe for a few hours and maybe for a few days. Long enough until I have the clarity, calm, and mindset that is conducive to a follow up communication, rather than letting in-the-moment emotions get the best of me.

And finally as a preventative measure, don’t hold it in. Many of us tend to just hold in our frustration or disappointment, not wanting to rock the boat, or upset a colleague. But if something’s not going well, it won’t help anyone by not raising it, or waiting until the project concludes to share how you really felt all along. The longer you hold onto a feeling of frustration or disappointment, the more it’s likely to bubble up into something far worse.  So, if you’re not satisfied or feeling frustrated, find the words to say so. In the words of Brene Brown, “clear is kind.” Indeed, it is.

The power of communications is that we can use it to diffuse heated moments, we can use it to soothe people feeling uneasy or upset, and we can use it to bridge divides. If you find yourself communicating in ways that are elevating situations, then try some of these tips—or pass them along to someone who might find them valuable.

Bottom line: Bad days are going to happen. It’s what we do in them that can make all the difference.

This is week 33 of the Finding The Words column, a series published every Wednesday that delivers a dose of communication insights direct to your inbox. If you like what you read, we hope you’ll subscribe to ensure you receive this each week.